I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
