my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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