Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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