He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
