On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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