$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
