I wish my penis had an off switch
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
