WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
