Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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