that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize