so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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