well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You're like the curious george of whores
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
