we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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