I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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