Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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