I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
