yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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