I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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