I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
