remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
