I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
