All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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