just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
