I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
