Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
