I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
