We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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