I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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