I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
