this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
