and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
