Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
