I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
