I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
