Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize