worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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