he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
