my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
