You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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