If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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