i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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