Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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