she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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