Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
