I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
