White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
