i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
