I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
