My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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