It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Vodka?
Forever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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