and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
