I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
