so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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