I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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