All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
