Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
