it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
