just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
