dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
